Southern Charm Recap: Rocky Mountain Trip

I joke that The Real Housewives of New Jersey is a show about a group of male friends and their wives who hate each other, but I think that Southern Charm is really the closest we have to a Bravo show about the boys. Just look at what is going on with this mountain vacation. We get no Leva, no Venita, no Madison, no Miss Pat. We don’t even check in with them. It’s just the dudes, Olivia and Taylor, the other two sides of the current Southern Charm love rhombus. Just like my Instagram feed, it’s just dudes, dudes, dudes everywhere.

The day starts at Shep’s cabin, where he is drinking milk straight from the jug. Shepherd Rose is the only 43-year-old high school junior in the universe. As they’re all getting ready to go fly fishing, JT, Mr. Mini-a-Lago himself, asks Shep what they should wear, and he can barely contain his disdain for the pint-sized pocket square of a man. When they get to the creek to go fishing, JT is also the only one who can’t figure out what the hell he’s doing. He falls right down in the river, getting water all up in his waders and flooding his pants in a way that he has never flooded the pants of another human. He says he gets the rapids right up his butthole. That’s funny because Rodrigo calls his penis “the rapids.”

Just kidding, my loverboy Rodrigo would never hook up with someone like JT. He’s way too handsome to stoop so low. My favorite part of fishing was Rodrigo’s discussion with Craig about Paige and Craig’s relationship status. As we all know, Craig wants Paige to move to Charleston, and Paige would rather wear a dress from Goodwill that Austen picked out for her. (Could you imagine how bad he would be at dressing a female?) I didn’t really care about the update on Paige and Craig, which seems to be in a state of stasis; what I loved is that Craig asked about Rodrigo’s relationship with his boyfriend, Tyler.

Usually, when we get gay guys on Bravo, they’re with the Real Housewives as mascots or hype men. They can be a little bit like a gay clown. But here is Rodrigo, hanging out with a bunch of straights, and all the guys are looking to him for relationship advice. They see his relationship with Tyler as just as valid as any of their other relationships. It’s just nice to see a bit of different representation for the Ls, Gs, Bs, Ts, Qs, and even the IA+-es. Also, his arms look amazing in a T-shirt, so there’s also that.

While the boys are fishing, Oliva goes to Taylor’s lake house and tent revival to discuss their friendship. Oh my god, they are so Jesusy, and yes, I took the lord’s name in vain. I know there are a lot of Christians out there, and I don’t begrudge them their beliefs, but I get uncomfortable when Christianity is this much in your face. (And I grew up Catholic, so there was plenty up in my face.) When Taylor’s family eats breakfast, they all stand in a circle in the kitchen, blessing the food like they’re summoning a protective force field or something. When Olivia arrives, Taylor’s mom greets her in the driveway and says, “My hope and prayer is that while you’re here, you remember how much God loves you, that he is with the brokenhearted, and he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.” Then, when Olivia compliments the beauty of the lake, she immediately says, “It’s God’s creation.” I mean, does everything have to be about God?

The conversation between the two women does not go well. I am with Taylor. I thought Olivia would get up there, Taylor would confess to everything, and the two would start repairing their friendship. The rift isn’t just that Taylor made out with Austen while Olivia was still interested and then lied about it; the rift is that Olivia still thinks they’re lying. She thinks that Taylor definitely had sex with him. I don’t know where I fall on this. I don’t think they did, but why would I believe that? Because they’re telling us they didn’t? Olivia’s point is that she can’t trust Taylor anymore, even for her to tell the truth about that. When they’re done talking, Olivia says, “I don’t think there’s much of this friendship to salvage,” which is harsh. It’s probably the right way to go, but it’s also a little harsh on Taylor, who is taking full ownership of what she did and trying to make amends in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and his mother, the Virgin Mary, and also all the goats and donkeys and wise men who were in the manger at his birth.

Olivia decides to leave Taylor’s, but instead of driving home, she crashes at the boys’ house. It’s too bad for her. Taylor is already on her way over for dinner. “What a great way to spend a weekend,” she says. “Go hang out in the woods with your questionable best friend and your questionable ex.”

Rod decides to ride back to the house with Olivia, and, yeah, these two don’t seem to be clicking. When they get back, Rod pulls Olivia aside and asks to be exclusive, and she’s like, “Um, yeah, dude, that’s not where my head is at right now.” Dude, her brother died about three days ago. Give her a month or something before you try to define the relationship.

After dinner, Craig Conover tells everyone to get their tinfoil hats on because when the “space people” come (because saying “alien” is derogatory), they don’t want to see “bare heads.” If they see the hats, they know that person is ready for the alien rapture. Sorry, space people rapture. Conspiracy theories are stupid, and I usually don’t mess with people who believe in them unless you believe that Lea Michele can’t read, which is 100 percent factual and backed up by science. But this is the most adorable I’ve ever found Craig. It’s like he’s being serious but also knows that he’s totally stupid. It’s a great brand for Craig. He should make a tin foil hat pillow.

JT and Shep go into the basement to play half-drunk ping-pong, and Shep is defeated by someone half his size and twice his IQ. (That’s not fair, Shep is actually quite smart, but the joke was sitting right there.) When they go upstairs, Shep is incensed, and when Taylor says to JT, “We are the champions,” Shep flies off the handle. “Don’t fuck with me, Taylor,” he says, followed by my least favorite phrase on reality TV, “Don’t poke the bear.” God, I hate that. It’s like saying, “I can’t control myself, so you need to control yourself around me because if I lose it, then it’s your fault.” Ugh, you are not a bear; you are a human, so learn to act like one.

But then Shep makes it even worse, giving us one of the worst discourses I’ve ever seen on reality TV. He asks Taylor, “Do you like poking the bear?”

She replies, “Did you like cheating on me?” That’s the thing: Taylor knows she has a forever trump card when fighting with Shep. (No, JT, you are not a Trump or a trump card, but you definitely look like the former.)

Then Shep says, “I mean, sometimes it was fun.” As soon as that came out of his mouth, I let out an “OOoooooooffffff,” that was louder than Rod’s snoring that you could hear two towns away. That is low and cruel and, well, that is actually the trump card, but it is the trump card that lets you win, but then the punishment is you will be alone for the rest of your life.

Taylor has the only sane reaction: She throws her drink on Shep and goes into the house. Shep comes in and tells her, “You know how I am. You shouldn’t poke the bear.” Yeah, she knows how you are, which is why she is no longer with you. God, Shep. You can’t drink milk out of the jug with the fridge door open forever. At some point, you need to get a glass, and that glass is the love of a good woman who you won’t treat like shit.

The next morning, Olivia lets Little Craig into Shep’s room and sees Taylor lying in the bed. They say they only shared the bed so that they could both cuddle with Little Craig. Well, then, why wasn’t he in the room when they were in there passed out? Hmm? Do we think Taylor slept with Shep? Do we think Taylor slept with Austen? Do you think that Rodrigo slept with JT? Do we think Craig slept with Austen? Do we think that Jesus slept with all the hills and dales in South Carolina? Do we think the lake is his tears for the brokenhearted? Do we think that he will heal all the wounds? With this group of guys, I’m sorry, but the answer is no.

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